friends

I have many friends. Many of them I lost "in the fire" (what I call my escape from Maxwell after being scared by a handgun-wielding ex-). Those friends had to choose life with him. I understand that these things happen. They're still my friends, only indirectly now.

I have good new friends as well, and those friendships are growing. Some old friendships I was glad to let go of. I'm in that sort of relationship right now.

Hostage-taking friends have me. These friends are the ones who start with not just accepting me, but seeing me as perfect. The next step is gifts. I get really uncomfortable when friendships start this way, because inevitably I'll show a flaw and there's an end to the honeymoon. I try to end the honeymoon early by messing up regularly and announcing it, but bedazzled friends see that as cute and quirky. Finally, I disappoint these friends because I haven't agreed to their ironclad rules of how things should be. If they give me a gift, I owe them something. If they do something for me, I need to be at the ready.

Problem is, I don't have a good memory. So, I let go of what someone else might think they owe me, for whatever reason, and I assume that others do the same unless we've agreed otherwise. I don't much like the idea of owing, unless we're talking about a signed legal agreement.

Right now I have a friend who is acting like I owe her. I want to tell her a few things, none of which is Thank You. She has been very friendly and gifty and self-sacrificing. And all of that behavior has given me the creeps. I keep wondering what she wants from me. And I'm starting to learn that she wants all the friendly, gifty, self-sacrifices from me that she has given. At this point, I'm not sure I even want to be friends with her.

What I want is for the bedazzled to start thinking about herself in this friendship. I want her to look at what she needs from me and ask me for it. I can respond to direct requests. If I can, I will. If I can't, I'll say no. And I might not even apologize for not being able to do what she asks, because I don't feel like friendship entitles us to each other.

I'm probably the worst friend on the planet, but I'm an easy friend too because I'm pretty laid back about any shoulds.

The Power of Now

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's cornerstone book and thinking about why we don't just stay in the present moment, since it's so great.

So far, I've come up with the following reasons we get out of Now:

• we entertain ourselves by going into future worries and past regrets
• we forget and remember and then forget the present moment
  
• being in the present makes us feel less substantial and therefore threatened by the idea of ceasing to exist
• we think that we can't accomplish anything unless we think

Tolle says that we don't stay in the now because, "The mind, to ensure that it remains in control, seeks continuously to cover up the present moment with past and future..." This seems too simple an answer, a conspiracy theory of me against myself ...which is probably just my mind's way of ensuring that it stays in control. I'm not so sure about that, since my mind seems to be very much in agreement with what Tolle is saying, and I am comfortable with shutting down thinking (just ask my friends).

There must be some reward for getting out of the Now, something that we perceive as more valuable than peace and well-being, or we would stay there (here.)

a cool one

what if money flow issues will be a thing of the past for all of us one day?