alienation v. dignity

I owe this contrast to one of our former psychological writers of note, but I cannot find it on Google, so I must have made it up. The idea of alienation vs. dignity relates to the process of aging, and the stages that we go through in our development as we mature. This stage is ideally saved for our later years, when we have some internal choices to make.

Alienation. I think this means that things such as the following spew from our mouths of their own volition:

1. kids these days...
2. ...we knew how to act back then
3. how strange
4. growing old isn't for wimps
5. where did I put that? did someone take/move it?

Dignity. This seems to take a little more work, or at least conscious attention. But I suppose that over time it would make many things easier, especially letting go of the body when the time comes:

1. I remember those struggles
2. the rules seem to be different now, I wonder what they are?
3. how wondrous; or, interesting, but not for me
   
4. growing old gives me permission to let things go
   
5. I can't find it, so I'll figure out something else

I had a recent opportunity to observe closely some elderly people struggling with the ideas of letting go; accepting others more and doing with less; gracefully moving into the position of active observers and thinkers. The key word, to me, became grace. If we let go by having our fingers pried open, is that letting go? How do we learn to grow into our dignity? How do we cause ourselves less pain since aging can bring enough pain of its own?

Opinions, in my opinion, are the greatest affliction we nurture within ourselves. Next, and related, is a need to understand before extending love. If we haven't the foggiest, and don't feel a need to assess others by our standards, then while it may seem like Alzheimer's to some, it looks a lot like bliss to me.

mortality

Just thought I'd be dramatic with the title...

Since a week ago Friday, I've been to two hospitals, three doctors' offices, run through three cardiac tests, punctured a total of seven times in my two arms... and here's the conclusion:

I do have a heart!

So, all you nay sayers, be informed. Last year we found out that I have a spine, this year a heart. Let's just save the question on everyone's mind for next year: marbles or air?

Here's what we know so far from my heart attack scare: it wasn't a heart attack. There is a blockage of blood flow to the lower part of the back of my heart. The blockage doesn't show up on an angiogram. The cardiologist's answer to the chest pains and blockage revealed on other tests? "It's a mystery."

Boy, let me tell you, that flip answer made me mad. Good thing I was mildly sedated and he had a wire in my heart at the moment or I might have slapped him. Because he didn't find what he was looking for, he was done looking for what he might find. In fact, he had greeted me two hours earlier on our first meeting with, "You don't look like you should be here." I assumed it was my fitness level (amazing) and age (supremely young). But it was revealed in his next sentence that my error in taking the hospital bed was due to my gender. "You don't fit the usual profile of my patients, but then the ladies DO have heart disease... I suppose." I should have said to call off the search right then, but no, I thought he was being chatty.

So, what to do with all of this information? Well, I vented with David. Then I came up with A Plan. Since the nitroglycerin pills help the pain, I'll get a standing prescription for nitro. I will carry on with my life as usual, curbing the things that may exacerbate the situation (caffeine, albuterol?, cardiologists being stupid.) I will follow up with my regular doctor and consider a second opinion in the event of another extreme episode like this one.

David suggested that the blockage was in the vessels too small to be seen on an angiogram. I called the first doc I'd called when this started, to let him know the progress. He said exactly what David said, and then said for me to get a nitro prescription, because it's a time bomb. This fellow, and my regular doctor, have been advocating for me for a week now. When the E.R. doc said it was just anxiety and gave me Xanax, they requested further testing and found the blockage.

I feel like I'm in good hands right here at home.

Part of The Plan is to accord with the way things are. I have had chest pain for over 21 years, just never this severe. I've been told it was arthritis. This isn't as scary for me as it might be. I'm more hopeful with a medicine that helps the pain, and the awareness that I'm not going to be mended by anyone... I am going to learn to live with this.

As to pursuing further opinions and tests and surgeries, I'm ambivalent. I intend to exercise (with nitro nearby) and live fully. I refuse to die before I die just to stay alive.