friends

I have many friends. Many of them I lost "in the fire" (what I call my escape from Maxwell after being scared by a handgun-wielding ex-). Those friends had to choose life with him. I understand that these things happen. They're still my friends, only indirectly now.

I have good new friends as well, and those friendships are growing. Some old friendships I was glad to let go of. I'm in that sort of relationship right now.

Hostage-taking friends have me. These friends are the ones who start with not just accepting me, but seeing me as perfect. The next step is gifts. I get really uncomfortable when friendships start this way, because inevitably I'll show a flaw and there's an end to the honeymoon. I try to end the honeymoon early by messing up regularly and announcing it, but bedazzled friends see that as cute and quirky. Finally, I disappoint these friends because I haven't agreed to their ironclad rules of how things should be. If they give me a gift, I owe them something. If they do something for me, I need to be at the ready.

Problem is, I don't have a good memory. So, I let go of what someone else might think they owe me, for whatever reason, and I assume that others do the same unless we've agreed otherwise. I don't much like the idea of owing, unless we're talking about a signed legal agreement.

Right now I have a friend who is acting like I owe her. I want to tell her a few things, none of which is Thank You. She has been very friendly and gifty and self-sacrificing. And all of that behavior has given me the creeps. I keep wondering what she wants from me. And I'm starting to learn that she wants all the friendly, gifty, self-sacrifices from me that she has given. At this point, I'm not sure I even want to be friends with her.

What I want is for the bedazzled to start thinking about herself in this friendship. I want her to look at what she needs from me and ask me for it. I can respond to direct requests. If I can, I will. If I can't, I'll say no. And I might not even apologize for not being able to do what she asks, because I don't feel like friendship entitles us to each other.

I'm probably the worst friend on the planet, but I'm an easy friend too because I'm pretty laid back about any shoulds.